So still reading Breaking Fail and hoping at some point Bella will finally die and this will all be a bad dream. Of course, no such fucking luck because we have to stretch this bullshit out until it's unbearable. I've gone through several chapters and had more than a few fake-outs for actual action to take place or something Interesting to happen. Again... no such fucking luck.
so where we left off Jacob was learning about basic Biology to which it went flying right over his head. Nevermind that, of course, Meyer would Never be able to keep that shit up for long without sounding ridiculous. An actual conversation about genetics would just leave her poor mind too bogged down to work properly. And it does seem that Carlisle does indeed use Vampire Venom to heal wounds that will not heal fast enough to save a person's life. That being said, a single bite puts enough Venom Saliva into a wound to change a person into a vampire within minutes. Again, Meyer fails to keep to her own continuity. I should have a continuity alarm going off every time it comes up, but it'd just annoy the fuck out of everyone the moment it goes off every five minutes.
Once more Edward refuses to call his hellspawn a baby. He prefers fetus or creature, but never baby. My respect for him increases a little at a time. Also, when did Edward become so fucking practical? I'm not joking. Throughout all this he's one of the more practical people there outside of Jacob. Now, of course, they both do and say some really, really stupid shit, but so far they're the most practical people there. I don't think Meyer intended that. I think she was intending that they be construed as being against the little hellspawn and therefore will learn better in the end, but so far they're the ones going "This is not right. I want to rip it out."
So they get Bella to drink some blood from an off-handed remark about the truth of the hellspawn: the little bastard needs blood and death. So they get her to drink it and she cringes and they tell her it's okay if she doesn't like it, to which she replies, "No. I love it. Is that bad?" Of course Rosalie pops up immediately and says "No, of course not! Here, drink some more delicious blood. See? We'll take good, good care of you." Bella immediately starts stroking her stomach affectionately and continues to refer to it as her precious like the good Gollum she is. Not creepy at all. Nope. Oh, and of course Bella is referring to herself as a vampire now before she's even become one. This is because Leah refuses to come near the house and she's like "She hates us." It's either that or she's begun doing her Gollum impersonation again. It could go either way with her. But, I will say that at least Jacob is referring to Rosalie as a fucking psychopath, which she is. She really is. She hates Bella and I've always liked the fact that she did, but now she's a pure psychopath. She wants the baby and she'll keep Bella alive up until she starts giving birth to which Rosalie will have her baby all for herself. That's it. That's all Rosalie cares about. There's no care toward anything other than babies with her.
But of course Bella won't hear Jacob be mean toward Rosalie and tells him to stop being a jerk. Jacob really ought to tell her what exactly Rosalie plots for her, because maybe, Just Maybe, Bella might wise up and get someone else to attend to her. Then, again, this is Bella we're talking about. She doesn't have much brain capacity and the pregnancy seems to have not only sapped her body near bone dry, but it's also sapped what intelligence she had left to her.
I will say that while Bella was drinking the blood and every time she cringed and looked disgusted, but was really, really enjoying it like it was the greatest meal on earth I was just sitting back looking very, very confused.
This was me the entire time.
Ehren: -.o What? What... I.... huh?
That's it. That was me every time she did that. I'm not entirely certain what Meyer was going for, but I think it was that Bella was so in love with drinking blood, that it was so delicious that she couldn't help but cringe. It's stupid, but I'll go with it. Meanwhile, of course, Jacob continues to voice my thoughts as he continues to be completely confused by Bella's reactions. This was the girl that had to be carried out of class because one small drop of blood made her faint. This is the girl that had to be distracted from her bleeding arm because she would have been Sick otherwise. Then again, pregnant women get cravings like pickles and peanut butter and cheese whiz on a cracker.
Oh, and when she drinks the blood, it suddenly makes her look less like a concentration camp survivor. Every time she drinks blood she starts getting better and better. WTF? Blood ingestion doesn't work like that unless you're a damn vampire, which Bella is not. I sometimes feel like I'm on a damn acid trip during this.
And of course Rosalie doesn't get the concept that Bella needs actual food for her body. She's still barely letting anyone near Bella because she doesn't want them or trust them not to kill the baby in the womb like they should. And Alex brought this point up, which is true. Carlisle, you're a doctor aren't you? THEN MAN THE FUCK UP AND DO SOMETHING. Bella is your patient and Bella clearly can't actually think rightly for herself, so why do you take her wishes into account when she's clearly either a serious special needs child or fucking insane? Either way she's mentally incompetent!
So after all that we get another fake-out for action. See, before there was Seth. Seth followed Jacob in a manner than caused him to nearly attack Seth before he recognized him as not Sam and the pack going after him. Then, it was Leah that showed up that caused Seth to howl the alarm. Next it was a few people from the other pack that came in peace to talk things out and try to convince them to come home, to which Jacob told them to get stuffed. There has yet to be any werewolf civil war or any sort of actual action. This is all there is. Several pages are almost blank next to my writings of a summary of what's on them. Here we learn that Sam is trying to get his pack back together, but Jacob's going "I don't think I can switch this 'Alpha' thing off like a light switch. I think it's on permanently and I'll just end up fighting Sam when I see him." Funny, you didn't have a problem Before. Now you do?
Oh, and is it just me but every time Seth talks about how awesome Edward is I can't help thinking he just really wants Edward to jizz all over his face. The guy's young, so I guess Meyer was trying to make him act like a puppy, but good god the man acts like he wants to hump Edward's leg at every opportunity. And he gets super defensive about the Cullens and, in particular, Edward. He starts growling a bitch down if they insult or want to kill them. Like, this one time Edward cooks and Jacob wakes up to see that Seth is pounding down a huge plate full of food. Seth says he didn't know Edward could cook and acts like it's the most divine thing he's ever eaten. The cinnamon rolls leave him speechless, to which I can only conclude that Edward added his own special frosting to them. Now, I know that damn good food will make a person just shudder with delight, but I'm imagining that Seth's doing it with a "jizz in my pants" look on his face.
So, it seems that Sam is now the new Hitler. First he took away Jacob and Seth's right to defend the Cullens/Bella from a full out attack, despite knowing full well that the hellspawn could in fact kill the entire fucking town if it's anything like an actual newborn vampire. Now he's picking who can go and talk to Jacob by way of choosing people who will not automatically turn on him the first chance they get: i.e. people who have spouses or girlfriends waiting back home for them. This is so that he doesn't lose more people to Jacob while Jacob doesn't get a bigger pack to work with should an attack actually arise.
I will say that with Jacob as the narrator the inner monologue isn't usually quite so infuriating or boring.... sort of. There was that one moment I lost my temper, but most of this is just either exceedingly boring chitchat/negotiations or Jacob being a complete smartass. It gets even better when Leah starts talking because she's an even bigger smartass than Jacob. She makes a comment somewhere in there that Seth was not only dropped on his head as a baby, but that he also ate lead paintchips. This explains so much about Seth it isn't even funny.
Now, as much as I love Jacob, I have to wonder at his absolute hatred of the vampires. I know he's mostly just angry that Edward took Bella away from him, rather than whom he really ought to be pissed off at which is Bella for leading him along constantly and being a complete cocktease to him. However, I start drawing the line of liking his inner monologue when it includes being rude to a person who is offering you perfectly fine free food and clothes. Now, I get that the clothes will smell like the most god-awful candy factory in existence, but the food should not bother his nose at all. So, I have to question exactly Why should he dump the food he got from Esme into the river? It was perfectly fine. It was perfectly non-vampire smelly. And Leah doesn't like to eat raw meat, which Jacob is used to doing as a wolf. But, no, they chuck the clothes down the river with the food and leave it. Why? It isn't like he's got anything else to his name!
But aside from that Jacob's being generally Jacob through this. He even starts making Blonde Jokes at Rosalie when she's being a bitch. Oh, they burn because they're so true. They may be old as dirt, but they work for a selfish bitch like her. At one moment, however, Rosalie does probably the rudest thing she could do outside of slapping Jacob repeatedly with a newspaper and shoving a leash on him and locking him up outside to a doghouse. She bends a bowl to resemble a dogfood bowl and puts it on the floor for Jacob before leaving. Thankfully, he gets to use it on her later.
Again, Bella's being awfully chipper. She's positively GLOWING. It's like someone switched her lack of brain out with Pinkie Pie. It's insane. But of course it's not passed off as that at all. No, Jacob keeps saying she's acting like she normally does by cracking lame, non-jokes and sticking her tongue out at him as if to be cute. She also keeps petting Jacob like he's her damned dog and going "Shhhh it's okay. Everything will be fine." Not creepy at all. Nope. (You will find this is a trend in this book after we see Bella pregnant. She does shit like this all the time and combined with Rosalie's psychopathy it's pretty obvious this is some sort of horror novel.) Of course she talks to her stomach going "Oh, he's just stretching, see? Oh you don't have room in there do you." and many other things that pregnant women do with their normal babies, but this is Bella and that is not a baby inside her belly, so it's a bit like watching someone who just got raped with a facehugger petting their chest and crooning to the chest-burster Alien inside. It's creepy.
Back on subject. So this thing in Bella keeps growing and every time it kicks it breaks one of her ribs. She's had at least two or three ribs broken by the damned thing and she always comments that either she's not strong enough or the hellspawn is just too strong. Either way, at some point Rosalie just makes a smug comment about how normal human babies break ribs all the time. No, they don't. I will say that a particularly active, strong, big baby will bruise you, sometimes, but it won't break shit. There's a reason why the uterus is located where it is. But I know I have someone on my facebook feed that has commented recently that she can't wait for her baby to be born because her sides feel like she's been in a fight.
So we up the creepy factor with Alice telling Jacob that she gets a headache around Bella now. Well, big surprise there, given Bella's normal attitudes, but that's not why she gets a headache. No, she can't see the baby. She can't see shit about the baby. Every time she does she keeps seeing stuff about Bella, but not the baby. The baby's a complete mystery wrapped up in an enigma. But every time Bella's deciding about her little hellspawn she pops right the fuck out of Alice's future vision. They keep making comparisons to Jacob on this that it grows at a fast rate, like Jacob, and that it can't be seen, like Jacob, with Alice's vision. So, Alice has to stay up in the rafters and wait for when Bella's not around to be able to come down because every time she's near she gets a head full of muffled Bella. I keep imagining that every time Alice is alone in the attic she's hearing horrible, scratchy child whispers in her ears telling her to go kill the dog, to rip apart Bella, to make Carlisle eat his own tools and other insane crap. I'm not joking, I swear to God Alice is probably having this problem because she keeps saying she gets a headache and flat out refuses to go anywhere near Bella.
Oh and of course Meyer is also trying to foreshadow the imprinting of Jacob to the hellspawn by way of her usual sledgehammer. I suppose you could say it's a little more subtle this time around, since her usual sledgehammer technique requires her to out and out all but tell you that this is what is going to happen. Here Jacob's just noticing that everything about his devotion is starting to surround just the baby. It's still a sledgehammer if you know what's ahead, but it's not quite as obvious. You could well pretend that it's just because it's Bella that he cares about or something.
Also, Alice seems to force everyone to wear their clothes once or twice, but immediately makes them give them up to Goodwill as she gets new ones for them to wear. And this is not some clothes from Target which are relatively reasonably priced stuff that might suit her tastes. No. This is expensive shit she gets. She gets designer shit from Italy and France for these people to wear. These things aren't Cheap. HOW MUCH MONEY DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE?!
So Bella breaks another rib and she's starting to have hot and cold flashes. She has to have Edward sit next to her to cool her off and then have one of the wolves next to her to warm her up. Her internal temperature regulation is utter crap now. But of course she continues to pet her stomach like it's the One Ring of Power. Of course Edward's having trouble with this because he's suddenly started to have common fucking sense like Jacob. Even Carlisle acts like a damn tool through most of this. He lets Rosalie act like a complete cunt while he's the damn leader/father.
So Alice tells Rosalie to get something for Jacob to eat and Rosalie does her thing by putting a dog bowl down for him. Edward says nothing, of course. No one does. Jacob just sort accepts it and then says "What do you call a Blonde with a brain? A Golden Retriever." Rosalie was properly annoyed. I liked that. At some point after this Bella and Jacob start talking and Bella starts talking about how normal women when they have come to full term get forty centimeters on their belly and she's only at thirty now. Then she says that the thing has been growing two centimeter's a day. Not creepy at all. Nope.
Jacob asks Bella why she does these things with him, why she gets super chipper with him around and she says some bullshit answer about how she wants him there because she doesn't have a family without him there. I just read the entire thing as Bella is still a complete cocktease for him. Meanwhile, it's getting hard for Bella to breathe because the hellspawn keeps breaking her ribs. Meanwhile, she keeps talking to Charlie and saying she's on the mend when she ought to be telling him that she's still sick so he can't come near or expect her to come home. But no, she doesn't do any of that because she actively hates her father and wants him to have his hopes up right before she crushes them. This of course is not how this is passed off as. No, this is passed off as Bella being so caring about her father. And Edward knows that she's probably going to die from all this, so he's trying to let her have her way so that she can be happy right before the end. Again, when did Edward become so practical?
So about here is where we learn that these things have been in mythology forever as dangerous, evil things that kill massive amounts of people when they pop out of the stomach. The hard shell around it? Yeah, it chews through that and bursts out of the stomach. IT'S A BURSTER ALIEN. But, does Rosalie care? Nope. I never really expected her to, but she shows her true self when she starts talking about how in the South American natives the only thing these people had for a doctor was a shaman who would use unsanitary means to deliver babies and there was no way these "special babies" would ever be able to be cared for by the people and of course no way the mother would survive even a normal birth, so they were perfectly fine to take care of Bella until they got the baby. It's then that Jacob finally voices what I've been screaming and wrote down as a trope in this book: BABIES ARE ALL THAT MATTER. Edward was about ready to rip Rosalie's head off, but Jacob just snapped his food bowl at Rosalie's head and got her dirty to which she shrieked and woke Bella who just told him to stop being a jerk. Not that it mattered, of course, because no matter how much you explain to Miss Brainless that Rosalie only cares about her baby and nothing else she won't register it.
About that point Bella suddenly went white and looked like she was in pain to which she said, "Oh, he's only stretching. The poor fella doesn't have a lot of room in there." Not creepy at all. Nope.
So Carlisle then chooses this moment to say he thinks that Jacob and the hellspawn have something in common and that's a 24 chromosome count. So they're both Down Syndrome?
That's it for now. I'm still reading.
Patient's current mood:
Patient is Singing: Frozen on Musicloops