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Ehren Hatten
12 March 2012 @ 06:45 pm
So I was watching Spoony's new Counter Monkey wherein he has a player who's continually late and gets so bored he writes character grinder games for him to play with the game group that Spoony's in. And the guy's girlfriend/wife.... who's so clearly a yaoi fantard it's not even funny. She goes about making her horribly girly male character grope the other men in the game and outrageously flirt with them for her amusement. And then she's also incredibly racist to boot.

However, someone decided to share a link in the comments and I took a look at it. Oh God, did I look. This person... is astounding. How do people this vapid breathe? LOL It's like a real-life version of the most stereotypical Mary sue I've ever seen!

The Michelle Chronicles
Patient's current mood: fullfull
Ehren Hatten
01 March 2012 @ 07:54 am

So I've become ill because of my allergies suddenly deciding that they want to kill me. So to kill time when I have no one to talk to and I'm not even remotely tired I read manga. However, because the volumes aren't all out yet to buy I read them on manga readers and other shit. I found a book at the bookstore not that long ago called Stepping On Roses and it's by the same person who did Tail of the Moon and Home, which is a beautifully awesome story about some poor schmuck from Japan getting stuck in Spain and having to learn how to adapt and somehow get back home. Stepping on Roses is about a poor girl who lives with her older brother who's a pretty boy and a playboy with a bad, bad, Bad gambling habit. As a result the house they live in is a shack and they barely have any food to eat and there's a lot of loan sharks "requesting" money back. Oh and for some reason the guy also picks up stray kids and gives them their home and makes his little sister take care of them.

Now, one day while Sumi, the girl, is trying to get money to get a doctor for one of the kids this other guy, Nozumi or... something. Eh--Anyway, so Sumi gets money from this guy and he gives her his handkerchief so she gets the kid some help and spends all day dreaming of her "prince charming". Then the loan sharks come and they get their ass handed to them... somehow, I've forgotten how at the moment, and then Sumi goes out to try to sell herself in her desperation. Suddenly out of nowhere this handsome man with a lot of money says he'll buy her life if she'll marry him so she says yes. And she doesn't let go of the money even when she's being washed. This guy, Shouichiro--Souichiro--I don't even know--gives her the rundown. He's going to marry her. She is going to be his wife. There will be no love involved. It's all for appearances. She accepts and they get married, but, of course, she didn't really realize that he would be kissing her at the ceremony. She slapped him.

so here's where you get this sort of beauty and the beast kind of thing happening, but even in Beauty and the Beast, depending on which version you look at, is different from this. In the original tale Beauty is a humble girl only asking for a rose as a gift from her father as he tries to sell what little he can to save his merchant business. Failing that, he comes home with the two expensive gifts for his other two daughters and comes across a castle with a beautiful rose garden. He's also starving and tired and whatever. So he finds the place is weirdly enchanted with shit done for him without anyone being there and he wants to take one of the roses back to the daughter, but he's cockblocked by the beast. The Beast tells him that if he brings back the girl that wants the rose then he'll let him go free of charge... of his Life. So the girl accepts this situation and goes to the castle where the beast lives. The beast from that point on practically begs on his knees at every opportunity while also giving her anything she could ever wish for to be his wife. She is frightened of him at first and then she sort of accepts his weirdly creeptastic looks, but she always refuses because she just can't get past those beastly looks. Well then she finds out her father is sick through a magic mirror and the beast lets her go. She tells him she'll be back within the day.. or something and then goes home where her sisters tell her to stay longer. She does and then she sees that the Beast is in his rose garden and looks like he's dying. She goes back to the castle and he tells her that a witch cursed him...for some reason... and that he's been cursed until a woman fell in love with him and married him. So she says she loves him and bammo he's Prince again.

Or if you look at Disney the Prince is a Beast in mind And body and Beauty is a thorny rose who will hand his ass to him verbally and give as good as she gets. (I like her. and I Really like the Prince. >//> -.o Weird how I thought he was creepy before, but now that I think about it... it probably has something to do with that bottom lighting of his damn face. =.=;; )

Anyway, so here we have Beauty, in Sumi, who is a humble, but a tough little woman who's had a hard, hard life. She's used to doing things on her own and the Beast, Shouichiro(?), has seemingly been privileged all his life, but in truth he's the son of a mistress and he's always had a very hard, hard upper class life with no one who even remotely cares about him except his butler. To keep up appearances the butler, Komai, who has been with the man since they were children, helps to coach her. He's an odd... Odd.. man. I don't think he's supposed to be gay, just really dedicated as he was brought up to be, but good Lord can he show a girl how to prance properly when put to the task.

And all of this is to get Shouichiro's grandpa to approve of him taking over the company and taking the house that he was denied from ever living in. Meanwhile.... there's some bizarre revenge plot going on with Shouichiro taking Sumi away from Nozumi. I give not one fuck for the reason because I don't recall ever seeing it. Honestly, one could call the plot more of a really stupid prank because it doesn't actually hurt lives in the process. Nozumi's an artist and a poet and he's instantly in love with Sumi, but Sumi, despite her best efforts, is falling in love with Shouichiro. Shouichiro is not used to receiving love so he tends to be rather cold toward her, but the feeling from him is genuine after a while. Sumi rebuffs Nozumi and he continues to try to get into her little cotton panties before finally kidnapping her and tying her to a post while a fire starts up outside. He wants to die with her in that fire. Shouichiro to the rescue! He gets them all out despite a crippling fear of fire thanks to his whole family being obliterated by one as a child and then he promptly collapses from smoke inhalation.

A normal person would see that the plot here, making you fall for a girl that doesn't actually want you, as really cold and could put a strain on a friendship. It might cause people to yell at one another, but it doesn't actively Hurt people. Nozumi could be the better man here and just apologize for his horrible, creepy behavior toward Sumi and for not realizing she didn't love him sooner. He could ignore the effort put into giving him blue-balls, but No. That's not the Nozumi way! No, he goes about an insidious plot of using Shouichiro's cousin to take Shouichiro's place while taking some woman he doesn't give a shit about as his wife and continually trying to steal and/or rape Sumi when he actually has a moment alone with her. Sumi gives him the handkerchief, he keeps it and snarls at his new wife, some poor little frail thing who's been in love with him forever, for touching it. Sumi gives him a rice ball and Miu, the frail little thing Nozumi the fucktard married, finds it rolled up in the handkerchief in his fucking drawer. It's food just rotting away in his drawer because it was made by Sumi's own hands. She throws it away because who wouldn't and he immediately starts in threatening her and says he doesn't love her and never will. She gets perfume from Sumi and he immediately tries to rape Miu, whom thinks he's simply in the mood for some lovin', and he calls her Sumi, so she automatically thinks that her new friend Sumi and her husband Nozumi are together behind her back.

Meanwhile, there's also a maid that works for the cousin who's poisoning Shouichiro and trying to make it look like Komai was trying to rape her and Lord only knows what else. She's trying to dig up Sumi's old life. Also, her brother decides he'll work for the company if he's allowed and he's damned good at what is given to him. And then the cousin gives him a shitload of money and knows exactly that the idiot is going to gamble it all away so he can lay blame on Shouichiro as a bad president of the company and take over for himself. Couple that with the brother finally letting slip when interrogated and beaten to a pulp that Sumi is his sister and Shouichiro's kind of in a shit place. Sumi leaves him because she doesn't want to disgrace him further, but he does not give one fuck. No, he goes to Nozumi and Nozumi says if Shouichiro gives over Sumi to be his then he'll set everything straight, but Shouichiro gives him the finger and leaves. He says everyone can take his holdings. He doesn't care. He'll go live with Sumi and work for a fucking living. And Nozumi is Astonished. Meanwhile, Miu is being driven into madness because of Nozumi's coldness and callousness. And Nozumi? He's living separately from her while painting his secret bondage fantasies of Sumi naked and tied up with thorn vines. Miu finds it and promptly cuts it to ribbons. As well she should. Because he's a sick fuck.

Komai, in all of this, is doing things that I have no fucking idea what his planning is unless it's espionage. He takes up as Nozumi's butler and doesn't give Shouichiro any reason why he quit at all. He quit because Keiko, the cousin's maid and mistress, wouldn't be fired by Shouichiro even though he knows damn well that maid is the one that's been causing all sorts of trouble for him and his household. But I digress. So penniless Shouichiro looks for work, but no one will hire him because he's dressed in nice western clothes rather than actually looking poor. Nozumi then takes over the company and takes all of Shouichiro's family assets for his own and fires anyone that was on Shouichiro's side. Shouichiro, meanwhile, keeps gettick cockblocked by children or maids or Sumi's bro through all this. He wants to have sex with Sumi, wants to make sweet sweet love to her, and she really, really wants it and fears it, but he keeps getting cockblocked at every opportunity. Then Shouichiro gets sick and they're put out of their house by Nozumi buying up their whole neighborhood so Sumi goes off and tells Nozumi she'll be his wife if he'll stop with the hurt.

So through all of this there's also the question of Sumi's birth. She has this bizarre fear of roses, thuogh she's never grown up near them at all. The thorns remind her of being abandoned, of people not loving her or...something. Well, surprise surprise, but Nozumi's mommy is dead and he's missing a sister. Guess who it is. She was abandoned in a rose garden and the older brother found her and took her in regardless of what he could do with her. And through all this he's trying to rape her. Yup. To quote Diamanda Hagan, take a shot. Take ten of them. I think there are about that many near rapes through this whole thing thanks to Nozumi. Honestly.

So Nozumi's successfully told everyone he's getting a divorce and marrying sumi, Sumi says it's all for money, Sumi is thusly treated like trash by the upperclass bitches, and Nozumi throws out Sumi's wedding ring from Shouichiro calling it trash to just make him so much more lovable. He gets her a gaudy ring instead and demands she wears it. She tells him that until his divorce is final she won't have him touch her. Then she goes to Miu and Miu tells her that if she jumps off the cliff into the ocean then she'll forgive her and is surprised when Sumi actually does this. Sumi jumps in, swims out and Miu believes that the girl is sincere in all of this horrible mess. She then begs her to not let the divorce go through because she's trying to keep the creeptastic rapist from doing anything and Miu agrees. Meanwhile, Sumi also gets Nozumi to start the game club that she played in before and she invites all of Shouichiro's old allies and she gives them the ultimatum that if they do what's right by her then they'll be in good hands. Meanwhile cousin has had about enough of Nozumi's whiny shit so he tells them if they want to get anything done they'll have to work with him.

so Shouichiro helps out an Englishman who can't speak a lick of Japanese with selling his red tea to a Japanese seller and then gets recruited as a translator for him. This puts Nozumi, Sumi and Shouichiro in the same place as one another. Shouichiro and Nozumi end up hunting together and... Nozumi tries to buy him off, but Shouichiro refuses and Nozumi tries to kill him. Then Shouichiro finally, Finally, get their love on in the hotel they're all staying in and Nozumi promptly freaks the fuck out and goes running around with an axe ala The Shining. He gets restrained by the police and demands that all the doors be opened and that he'll buy the place out when Sumi shows up and says she was out in the garden with Komai. However, Sumi, bless her almost pointed head, missed a love bite that Shouichiro put on her and Nozumi starts to head off her chess moves. And then... Then... he sets a date for marriage, regardless of divorce status, for two weeks from then and introduces Sumi to his dad. His dad recognizes her, calling her by his dead wife's name. Nozumi gives not one fuck at all! He thinks the old man is delusional in his illness.

This series makes me want to scream. AAAAAAAARGH!!! Shouichiro and Sumi are awesome love, Komai is awesome, I wonder about the state of the cousin and the maid and what will happen for them, as I hope Miu finally gets to jab Nozumi right in the loins with her concealed knife. Now you see what I mean by Shouichiro's stunt being something of a really stupid and cold prank? Nozumi goes out to actively ruin lives and hurt people. Shouichiro meanwhile went out to make his friend a bit sad. I can't wait until there's more because this series is a fucking roller coaster and I just want to see Shouichiro and Sumi happy! =A=****
Patient's current mood: sicksick
Ehren Hatten
11 December 2011 @ 06:11 pm
Okay, Sandra Hill seems to be the sort of romance author I like. There's romance and humor and a bit of adventure. I like that. Her sense of humor seems to click with me, as well. I found one of her other works that featured a tall woman with a strong body (big wonder why I like it) that tried to be more of a man to get her father's troops to listen to her. So I think, "Hey. This author is pretty fun! I'm going to read others of her stuff!" So I do. I get other Sandra Hill Viking books. Well this one.... hahaha... it's interesting.

You know, I'm not big on fighting. I don't like hurting people. But wars are necessary. Fighting is necessary. You need to fight to protect what you love. This character doesn't seem to care about any of that. Meet Rain, or Thoraine Jordan. It seems she is the product of time travel. Her mother Ruby went back in time and met a man that looked exactly like her husband named Thork. She fell in love with him, made whoopie and then he died and she was sent forward in time where she had Thoraine. Rain is a doctor. She is also thirty years old. She is tall and kind of big with long blonde hair and hazel eyes. She is also a pacifist. And if you didn't know she was a pacifist she will remind you of it CONSTANTLY. And she also doesn't seem to be aware of the fact that her idiotic hippie ways are going to get her fucking killed in the 10th century. She survives through the sheer power of miracles. If it's not one thing she's bitching about "barbarian men" fighting "useless battles", it's her bitching about the customs of the time... like taking prisoners as slaves. Again, this woman is surviving through miracles, because there's nothing else that's keeping her alive except her healer skills.

And the guy? I kind of feel sorry for him when she's around, though it's not All bad. She's not aggravating enough for me to hate this so far, but she's damned irritating to the point I wish he'd just shut her up. Selik is this broody, angry guy who lost his wife and child thanks to the Saxons, who has been waging a war of revenge against the Saxons, and has generally retreated into himself rather than deal with many other people. He used to be this great big beautiful womanizer, but now he isn't for obvious reasons. So, when you toss this absolute shrew at this guy you can see why I want her to at least have a sock stuffed in her mouth a few times.

So far it's been mainly her seeing one custom after another and bitching about how wrong they are while pining for Selik. No matter the reason for fighting, she's against it flat out. Because fighting is stupid. It hurts people. Hurting people is bad regardless of what reason it is be it good or even remotely logical.

Also, I got one for 50 cents at the library called Big Bad Wolf by Linda Jones. This one I saw at the little bookstore down the street from my old highschool that I used to frequent when I lived in Austin. I wanted to get one of these silly novels for a long time, but never agreed to the price. This seemed the silliest of the few I found over at the library. In retrospect, I should have also picked up the Frog Prince one which features a man who is indeed French.
Patient's current mood: amusedamused
Ehren Hatten
26 November 2011 @ 11:10 pm
This movie I grew up on. It is well loved by me and I can't watch it anymore because I don't have it or I don't have a VHS player to play the recording we took off the TV. So I've been looking everywhere for the DVD to add to my collection of lovely, lovely movies that I adore. I saw Legend at Walmart for about $10 and so I took it. From what it said on the box I thought it meant I could switch to the theatrical version so I could watch it with the Tangerine Dream soundtrack, but HAHAHA Fuck that! That would make Sense! These assholes don't use earth logic because the fanbase doesn't use fucking earth logic. No, instead the fanbase bitched until they got their wish, the original Director's Cut is prevalent and it features their beloved Jerry fucking Goldsmith bland as shit soundtrack. Thank you, assholes. Thank you for ruining everything happy for me.

I'll put it to you this way, it took me forever to simply find the Tangerine Dream soundtrack for the movie, Much Less looking for the movie itself. I've been looking for Years for the movie, but the only version available is this bland as shit soundtrack version where you don't hear Loved By The Sun at the end of the whole thing. they tout that version as "the producers thought little kids wouldn't understand so they slapped a stupid pop band into it". Fuck you. Fuck you and I hope you die. That wasn't a version for "little kids". That shit could give any normal person nightmares and the music itself was Gorgeous. It was as timeless as the Dune soundtrack BY TOTO. ANOTHER POP BAND, YOU ELITIST PIECE OF SHIT. Guess what, one of Tangerine Dream's members also did the music for BABYLON FUCKING 5, ONE OF THE GREATEST TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME. You want timeless, you listen to the Tangerine Dream and shut the fuck up. I want my Legend DVD without your bland tripe.

And you know the worst part of it all? Once more, you can hardly Find it. I don't like ordering online for obvious reasons. I prefer in my hand, in store, where I can see it and hold it, buying. You can't find it in stores. I thought I lucked out in seeing it at Walmart. NOPE.

No... No... The worst part is because I can't find it I'll have to fucking settle for this bullshit version. I want to stab someone in the throat to watch them die.
Patient's current mood: enragedenraged
Ehren Hatten
14 November 2011 @ 06:39 am
Okay, before I start on my tirade I must emphasize something. I grew up on horror. I grew up on a steady diet of Stephen King, Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees and Pinhead. I grew up loving R.L. Stine and Christopher Pike and Fear Street. I grew up loving horror like it was my grandma. I love dark themes a lot. So when I say that this series is just plain Cruel that should give you a good perspective on the gravity of this statement.

Alex has been mildly obsessed with this series for a while, though mainly just Sebastian the demon butler. I learned most of the stuff I know about it from her. So I decided I'd take a look at the Noah's Ark story arc, which had some interesting characters in it that I wanted to see in context...... and a really hot scene of Sebastian with Beast, but that's beside the point. (I started this off looking at later chapters out of curiosity, but then found what I was looking for. Elizabeth is Adorable.) So to get some context for anyone who has no idea what I'm babbling about, Ciel Phantomhive is this English Earl and he loses his entire family due to some occulist bastards who then try to use him as a sacrifice, but he makes a pact with a demon, Sebastian, who takes the form of Ciel's late father and then receives the kid's dog's name. The demon's pact is that he gets the kid's soul when the kid has achieved his revenge for the death of his entire family. Fair enough. Sounds interesting. We also get couple of bouncy Indians that are fun, Lady Elizabeth who is Ciel's betrothed and some reapers who use garden tools to reap souls.... and one of them looks like Alfred, which I am consistently amused by. (America from Hetalia.)

So in this arc there are a bunch of children who have gone missing and we have Earl Phantomhive going off to find out who's doing it for the Queen. He and Sebastian join the circus as Black and Smile and Smile is befriended by a kid who calls himself Freckles. And then it turns out she's a girl and she's called Doll by her brothers and sisters. Many of the people in the circus are disfigured in some manner, each wearing prosthetics made of fine bone-china, or what feels like it. These prosthetics move on their own--somehow--and they have full control over them--somehow--in Victorian England. We have the general manager Joker, who is a nice guy with a bone hand prosthetic for stage appeal. We have the lion tamer Beast, who is busty and wears a full leg prosthetic. We have Doll who is a highwire act. We have two people who look like children, but they're adults. We have a strong man in Jumbo. We've got a snake charmer in the snake man... who for some reason speaks for his snakes like Salad Fingers. Each of them is pretty unique and they're a tight knit bunch, so it's really hard to get into their inner circle. They all came from the same place, too. They grew up together.

Well, it turns out they report to their caretaker Father who is Baron Kelvin, a creeptastic madman who wants to be a beautiful doll despite being an overweight, old man. This guy picked up the people of the circus troupe when they were younger and living on the street and in a workhouse. He took them in, clothed and fed them, helped their disfigured bodies and then a doctor gave them prosthetics to use. They then did as he bade them to protect the ones in the workhouse they came from since Baron Kelvin said he would continue helping them if they did whatever he told them to. What did he ask them to do? Kidnap and Murder. They did it. They're not proud of it, but they do it and they're proud of their skills. He has them kidnap children from towns their circus visits and then kill the witnesses to cover their tracks. Afterward they have no idea what happens. They just get the children.

Well, it turns out Mr. Crazy McNutfuck likes to have these children perform circus acts with only one member of the troupe present to play ringmaster: Joker. The kids have no training, they just do as they're told and Die. Meanwhile, Crazy McNutfuck starts howling so badly his bandages start bursting a bit. Howling in Laughter. He wants to be a beautiful doll so that he can touch Ciel, because he's been in love with the aristocracy since he saw the pretty faces of these folk and Ciel's child smile since he saw them. He feels ugly and dirty to be around them so he constantly goes through surgeries to look more beautiful, but he's only constantly disfiguring himself. And what happens to these children when they die? Well, the doctor that's been giving the troupe their prosthetics is the doctor that's been doing the surgeries on Crazy McNutfuck. We'll call him Dr. Frankencreeper. Dr. Frankencreeper goes about taking these dead children or just kills the children outright to grind their bones and make them into the bone china he needs for the prosthetics because human bones are much better than cow bones.

Meanwhile, Joker learns of this and vomits onto the floor as he bleeds from a wound inflicted by Sebastian. Ciel is reminded of the tragedy of his own life and vomits as well before telling Sebastian to kill them all, to which Sebastian complies. Meanwhile, the troupe are going to Phantomhive manor to get Ciel, but they run into the guards and end up getting Slaughtered. Even Beast and Daggers who were both really cool. So Ciel demands that the place be set on fire, so Sebastian sets it on fire. Doll comes running to them and asks what's going on, tries to go in to get Joker, but can't get through the fire. Ciel then tells her promptly that he's lied to her from day one, refuses to answer to Smile and tells her to get the fuck away from him. She doesn't get it, doesn't understand what's going on and Ciel promptly tells her he's been sent to eliminate them all and that he's killed her entire family. Doll properly gets upset and pulls a knife on them and it's implied she died.

We then see the lives these people had before from Joker's life story, about how relieved and happy he was to see his family living happily rather than dying in the gutter like they thought they would. Beast was in love with him, but he never reciprocated her feelings. Instead she had a one night with Sebastian because he seduced her with "sweet words". Doll was quite happy to be around and do her best. Joker tried to protect them all from the horrors he was forced to witness. Daggers was head over heels in love with Beast.

So Ciel goes to where they grew up, to the workhouse they were trying to protect and he plots to have a new donor set up for it. He then finds out that the place has been abandoned for Years and they had no idea. Does he feel the least bit remorseful? Does he feel one iota of sympathy for these poor people who did whatever they could for those they cared for? No. This kid just starts laughing. He's howling in laughter at their misfortune and how they had been duped into thinking that the place they were protecting was real and that the people inside it were alive and well. No, he keeps on laughing and saying how humans are worse than demons and that he is human after all.

I cried. I cried when Doll lost her shit and went after Ciel. I cried when Beast saw she was about to die. I cried when Daggers was dead. I cried for Joker. I cried for the twins. I cried for Jumbo. This kid... I want to kill him with my bare hands now. How sad is it that I sympathize with the villains instead of the protagonist in this? The villains had good reasons for doing the horrors they did, because they just didn't know. Joker alone knew most of what happened minus what went into their prosthetics. He tried his best to protect his family. But Ciel? The kid I felt bad for has become worse than any demon from hell and I don't attribute this to him being human. I attribute this to him being part demon, because no matter how much this kid professes to believe that Justice and Goodness are merely concepts made up by the upper class, he's Wrong.

I like dark stories, but this is just outright cruel. I'm done reading this.

Oh, and of course the yaoi fantards go out of their way to pine for action between the protagonist and his demon butler. The kid can't be more than twelve. HE'S A CHILD. There's a big difference between fantasies and being fucking creepy. But I digress.
Patient's current mood: depressedthose poor people
Ehren Hatten
06 November 2011 @ 06:07 am
so I went to the Pow Wow earlier at the last minute. I completely forgot about it until about 5 this evening and then asked Mama Judy if she wanted to go. I got a pair of bone earrings out of it. Sweet! Also, I got a small book of Cherokee folktales. <3 We stayed to watch the dances and they were fun. I mainly got to see them from behind a great big pillar because of bad seating location, but whatever. I had fun.

and then I ran over a cat when we were coming home. It was on the highway. I went home and hugged my cats and they didn't appreciate it and looked at me like I was an idiot. >:
Patient's current mood: tiredtired
Ehren Hatten
06 November 2011 @ 06:04 am
So I was at Half-Price Books and found The Host for about $10. I thought "what the hell" and got it since I had the money on me and figured since it was Meyer it would be pretty golden for lulz. I've only just gotten through the prologue, which is decently short, though of course explains nothing other than the aliens' point of view. This may end up being more about the fact that the editors clearly either don't exist or don't care.

We start with Fords Deep Waters, a hosted alien called a "soul". You see, in this world, the Earth has clearly been taken over by these angelic ribbons somehow and then forked themselves over to all the peoples of Earth so that the humans would have a "soul". I say "angelic ribbon" because that's how they're described. They're a silvery ribbon that has sort of wings or feathers along its sides that it uses to connect to the nervous system of a being with. Now these creatures have an interesting system going on: they don't use their host names, but use their own, which somehow sound even less logical and more annoying and stupid than most hippie names. Fords Deep Waters is, like all Souls, a calm, loving person at heart, though since he's in a human host he is prone to irritation and negative feelings, because only humans have negative emotions.Fords Deep Waters is a Healer and he's doing an operation to attach Wanderer to a human girl that the Seekers captured, probably while she was trying to blow shit up, and proceeded to kick the living shit out of her. Fords Deep Waters then healed her and then prepared her for receiving a soul and then closed the wound. He then wished Wanderer good luck and that's the end of the prologue.

So all while in this Fords is having issues with putting this particular soul into a host because Wanderer is the second coming. She is a Christ-like soul that has been to six or seven worlds and has never lived twice as any single species. She has been everything from a dragon, to a wolf, to a bat to a "see weed". Yes, you saw that right, she has been "see weed". That is what is written in the book. I'm not certain if this is a typo or there are weeds that have eyes. That probably would explain why it got through. Another thing, there's no table of contents. The page numbers are all at the top and never on the bottom pages. This annoys me since I would keep track of when I finished a chapter or when I started by putting the dates on the table of contents, but not now.

Anyway, so Fords has issues because Wanderer is Christ Almighty and putting her into a lowly man-animal will corrupt and ruin the pure soul that she is. Clearly, humans are wretched, awful things that much be tamed and used to host the only good things about them: SOULS.

Meyer's applying her sledgehammer again, I see.

Oh. What kills me most is the back of this fucking thing. There are quotes and the quotes are just awful.

"Stephanie Meyer is an amazing phenomenon--out of the brightness of her mind and spirit comes the illuminated darkness of her stories. For no matter how much pain her characters suffer, Meyer infuses the tales with light and hope." --Orson Scott Card, Author of The Ender Saga

"A fascinating, passionate, and unique psychological thriller. In The Host, Stephanie Meyer gives a new and surprising meaning to the phrase 'being of two minds'!" --Katherine Neville, author of The Eight

and the worst one of all that made my grandmother groan in pain and disgust... believe me it was an interesting noise from her.

"A fantastic, inventive, thoughtful, and powerful novel. The Host should come with a warning label: it will grab you and keep you reading well into the wee hours of night, and keep you thinking, deeply, hauntingly, well after the final word. Stephanie Meyer captures characters and handles story line like a master--a hybrid combination of Stephen King and Isaac Asimov." --Ridley Pearson, author of Killer Weekend

Have any of these people ever read Isaac Asimov? My grandmother is an old school Sci-fi fiend. She has read Asimov. She has read many different authors and all of them are better than Meyer will ever be. And... really? Stephen King? You do realize that Mr. King completely denounced Meyer, right? Because she really can't write. She can't. Not at all.

Just.. good lord these people.
Patient's current mood: annoyedannoyed
Ehren Hatten
25 October 2011 @ 05:04 pm
So if it isn't bad enough I have a weird dream, I also get my anxiety level up with the door being rung by someone selling pest control, which I probably ought to have grabbed the brochure for, but whatever. Then I hear dogs barking and the helicopters over head and I think "fire". I can't find my grandma and she's in her room sleeping. *rubs face* I dislike waking up like this.

So the dream I can't really explain, but it was vivid. I was staying someplace with Mama Judy and one of the things that was in the room was a comforter that was called "Ask The Doctor" but "The Doctor" wasn't David Tennant, but some weird looking fellow with long black curly hair and piercing eyes. Anyway, you were supposed to turn out all the lights and light candles to look at this thing and it would tell you the future. I tried to play with it, but it really didn't do much. There was also a shower in the bathroom that demanded $13.50 in coins to work. So Mama Judy went out and got a shitload of coins to feed the fucker with and she had a bunch of really big coins that I started playing with one and thinking it would be a pretty decoration. And then Harry somehow gets tossed into things and I'm talking to him about something happening in class, but he doesn't think anything will because we're still trying to find......something. Not sure what.

so we get into this classroom and there are three girls that sit together, one of whom is this tall, thin, pretty black girl and the other two are this little blonde and a busty brunette. They sit together all the time and they wear '80's trends and talk about how they're always right. Well, the black girl immediately tells the teacher that if they're not right, they'll set themselves on fire. No one takes this seriously, because wtf. So I'm talking to Harry and he's worried about someone in the classroom and their behavior and that's Amanda who's decided she suddenly wants to pull out her supervillain costume and be evil. Only the "evil" in this case may be that she was trying to sound like a Hispanic gangster, because we were chatting and that's what she sounded like in the dream.... no, I don't get why. Amanda doesn't do that. Amanda doesn't have a supervillain persona. She's a Slytherclaw and she tends to be very.... subversive.

So the three girls get something wrong and they immediately stand up and start stripping, the blonde and brunette immediately stop after the teacher tells them two and laugh, go around to opposite sides of the classroom and sit down to pull their things on. Meanwhile, Crazy McNanners grabs cooking oil and douses her naked body in it as the teacher is screaming at her and sets herself on Fire. And just stands there burning. I'm grabbing my shit to leave. We didn't have anything that would sufficiently cover that fire on her and water wouldn't do anything. But here's the kicker, the brunette grabbed a ground wire and brought it over, let the girl wrap it around her neck and ran off while the girl bit what looked like a cut end of it and electrocuted herself. And we're all trying to scramble out of there before a bigger fire starts.

About that point I woke up and then the doorbell and then... guuuh.
Patient's current mood: crankycranky
Ehren Hatten
15 October 2011 @ 07:02 am
So still reading Breaking Fail and hoping at some point Bella will finally die and this will all be a bad dream. Of course, no such fucking luck because we have to stretch this bullshit out until it's unbearable. I've gone through several chapters and had more than a few fake-outs for actual action to take place or something Interesting to happen. Again... no such fucking luck.

so where we left off Jacob was learning about basic Biology to which it went flying right over his head. Nevermind that, of course, Meyer would Never be able to keep that shit up for long without sounding ridiculous. An actual conversation about genetics would just leave her poor mind too bogged down to work properly. And it does seem that Carlisle does indeed use Vampire Venom to heal wounds that will not heal fast enough to save a person's life. That being said, a single bite puts enough Venom Saliva into a wound to change a person into a vampire within minutes. Again, Meyer fails to keep to her own continuity. I should have a continuity alarm going off every time it comes up, but it'd just annoy the fuck out of everyone the moment it goes off every five minutes.

Once more Edward refuses to call his hellspawn a baby. He prefers fetus or creature, but never baby. My respect for him increases a little at a time. Also, when did Edward become so fucking practical? I'm not joking. Throughout all this he's one of the more practical people there outside of Jacob. Now, of course, they both do and say some really, really stupid shit, but so far they're the most practical people there. I don't think Meyer intended that. I think she was intending that they be construed as being against the little hellspawn and therefore will learn better in the end, but so far they're the ones going "This is not right. I want to rip it out."

So they get Bella to drink some blood from an off-handed remark about the truth of the hellspawn: the little bastard needs blood and death. So they get her to drink it and she cringes and they tell her it's okay if she doesn't like it, to which she replies, "No. I love it. Is that bad?" Of course Rosalie pops up immediately and says "No, of course not! Here, drink some more delicious blood. See? We'll take good, good care of you." Bella immediately starts stroking her stomach affectionately and continues to refer to it as her precious like the good Gollum she is. Not creepy at all. Nope. Oh, and of course Bella is referring to herself as a vampire now before she's even become one. This is because Leah refuses to come near the house and she's like "She hates us." It's either that or she's begun doing her Gollum impersonation again. It could go either way with her. But, I will say that at least Jacob is referring to Rosalie as a fucking psychopath, which she is. She really is. She hates Bella and I've always liked the fact that she did, but now she's a pure psychopath. She wants the baby and she'll keep Bella alive up until she starts giving birth to which Rosalie will have her baby all for herself. That's it. That's all Rosalie cares about. There's no care toward anything other than babies with her.

But of course Bella won't hear Jacob be mean toward Rosalie and tells him to stop being a jerk. Jacob really ought to tell her what exactly Rosalie plots for her, because maybe, Just Maybe, Bella might wise up and get someone else to attend to her. Then, again, this is Bella we're talking about. She doesn't have much brain capacity and the pregnancy seems to have not only sapped her body near bone dry, but it's also sapped what intelligence she had left to her.

I will say that while Bella was drinking the blood and every time she cringed and looked disgusted, but was really, really enjoying it like it was the greatest meal on earth I was just sitting back looking very, very confused.

This was me the entire time.

Ehren: -.o What? What... I.... huh?

That's it. That was me every time she did that. I'm not entirely certain what Meyer was going for, but I think it was that Bella was so in love with drinking blood, that it was so delicious that she couldn't help but cringe. It's stupid, but I'll go with it. Meanwhile, of course, Jacob continues to voice my thoughts as he continues to be completely confused by Bella's reactions. This was the girl that had to be carried out of class because one small drop of blood made her faint. This is the girl that had to be distracted from her bleeding arm because she would have been Sick otherwise. Then again, pregnant women get cravings like pickles and peanut butter and cheese whiz on a cracker.

Oh, and when she drinks the blood, it suddenly makes her look less like a concentration camp survivor. Every time she drinks blood she starts getting better and better. WTF? Blood ingestion doesn't work like that unless you're a damn vampire, which Bella is not. I sometimes feel like I'm on a damn acid trip during this.

And of course Rosalie doesn't get the concept that Bella needs actual food for her body. She's still barely letting anyone near Bella because she doesn't want them or trust them not to kill the baby in the womb like they should. And Alex brought this point up, which is true. Carlisle, you're a doctor aren't you? THEN MAN THE FUCK UP AND DO SOMETHING. Bella is your patient and Bella clearly can't actually think rightly for herself, so why do you take her wishes into account when she's clearly either a serious special needs child or fucking insane? Either way she's mentally incompetent!

So after all that we get another fake-out for action. See, before there was Seth. Seth followed Jacob in a manner than caused him to nearly attack Seth before he recognized him as not Sam and the pack going after him. Then, it was Leah that showed up that caused Seth to howl the alarm. Next it was a few people from the other pack that came in peace to talk things out and try to convince them to come home, to which Jacob told them to get stuffed. There has yet to be any werewolf civil war or any sort of actual action. This is all there is. Several pages are almost blank next to my writings of a summary of what's on them. Here we learn that Sam is trying to get his pack back together, but Jacob's going "I don't think I can switch this 'Alpha' thing off like a light switch. I think it's on permanently and I'll just end up fighting Sam when I see him." Funny, you didn't have a problem Before. Now you do?

Oh, and is it just me but every time Seth talks about how awesome Edward is I can't help thinking he just really wants Edward to jizz all over his face. The guy's young, so I guess Meyer was trying to make him act like a puppy, but good god the man acts like he wants to hump Edward's leg at every opportunity. And he gets super defensive about the Cullens and, in particular, Edward. He starts growling a bitch down if they insult or want to kill them. Like, this one time Edward cooks and Jacob wakes up to see that Seth is pounding down a huge plate full of food. Seth says he didn't know Edward could cook and acts like it's the most divine thing he's ever eaten. The cinnamon rolls leave him speechless, to which I can only conclude that Edward added his own special frosting to them. Now, I know that damn good food will make a person just shudder with delight, but I'm imagining that Seth's doing it with a "jizz in my pants" look on his face.

So, it seems that Sam is now the new Hitler. First he took away Jacob and Seth's right to defend the Cullens/Bella from a full out attack, despite knowing full well that the hellspawn could in fact kill the entire fucking town if it's anything like an actual newborn vampire. Now he's picking who can go and talk to Jacob by way of choosing people who will not automatically turn on him the first chance they get: i.e. people who have spouses or girlfriends waiting back home for them. This is so that he doesn't lose more people to Jacob while Jacob doesn't get a bigger pack to work with should an attack actually arise.

I will say that with Jacob as the narrator the inner monologue isn't usually quite so infuriating or boring.... sort of. There was that one moment I lost my temper, but most of this is just either exceedingly boring chitchat/negotiations or Jacob being a complete smartass. It gets even better when Leah starts talking because she's an even bigger smartass than Jacob. She makes a comment somewhere in there that Seth was not only dropped on his head as a baby, but that he also ate lead paintchips. This explains so much about Seth it isn't even funny.

Now, as much as I love Jacob, I have to wonder at his absolute hatred of the vampires. I know he's mostly just angry that Edward took Bella away from him, rather than whom he really ought to be pissed off at which is Bella for leading him along constantly and being a complete cocktease to him. However, I start drawing the line of liking his inner monologue when it includes being rude to a person who is offering you perfectly fine free food and clothes. Now, I get that the clothes will smell like the most god-awful candy factory in existence, but the food should not bother his nose at all. So, I have to question exactly Why should he dump the food he got from Esme into the river? It was perfectly fine. It was perfectly non-vampire smelly. And Leah doesn't like to eat raw meat, which Jacob is used to doing as a wolf. But, no, they chuck the clothes down the river with the food and leave it. Why? It isn't like he's got anything else to his name!

But aside from that Jacob's being generally Jacob through this. He even starts making Blonde Jokes at Rosalie when she's being a bitch. Oh, they burn because they're so true. They may be old as dirt, but they work for a selfish bitch like her. At one moment, however, Rosalie does probably the rudest thing she could do outside of slapping Jacob repeatedly with a newspaper and shoving a leash on him and locking him up outside to a doghouse. She bends a bowl to resemble a dogfood bowl and puts it on the floor for Jacob before leaving. Thankfully, he gets to use it on her later.

Again, Bella's being awfully chipper. She's positively GLOWING. It's like someone switched her lack of brain out with Pinkie Pie. It's insane. But of course it's not passed off as that at all. No, Jacob keeps saying she's acting like she normally does by cracking lame, non-jokes and sticking her tongue out at him as if to be cute. She also keeps petting Jacob like he's her damned dog and going "Shhhh it's okay. Everything will be fine." Not creepy at all. Nope. (You will find this is a trend in this book after we see Bella pregnant. She does shit like this all the time and combined with Rosalie's psychopathy it's pretty obvious this is some sort of horror novel.) Of course she talks to her stomach going "Oh, he's just stretching, see? Oh you don't have room in there do you." and many other things that pregnant women do with their normal babies, but this is Bella and that is not a baby inside her belly, so it's a bit like watching someone who just got raped with a facehugger petting their chest and crooning to the chest-burster Alien inside. It's creepy.

Back on subject. So this thing in Bella keeps growing and every time it kicks it breaks one of her ribs. She's had at least two or three ribs broken by the damned thing and she always comments that either she's not strong enough or the hellspawn is just too strong. Either way, at some point Rosalie just makes a smug comment about how normal human babies break ribs all the time. No, they don't. I will say that a particularly active, strong, big baby will bruise you, sometimes, but it won't break shit. There's a reason why the uterus is located where it is. But I know I have someone on my facebook feed that has commented recently that she can't wait for her baby to be born because her sides feel like she's been in a fight.

So we up the creepy factor with Alice telling Jacob that she gets a headache around Bella now. Well, big surprise there, given Bella's normal attitudes, but that's not why she gets a headache. No, she can't see the baby. She can't see shit about the baby. Every time she does she keeps seeing stuff about Bella, but not the baby. The baby's a complete mystery wrapped up in an enigma. But every time Bella's deciding about her little hellspawn she pops right the fuck out of Alice's future vision. They keep making comparisons to Jacob on this that it grows at a fast rate, like Jacob, and that it can't be seen, like Jacob, with Alice's vision. So, Alice has to stay up in the rafters and wait for when Bella's not around to be able to come down because every time she's near she gets a head full of muffled Bella. I keep imagining that every time Alice is alone in the attic she's hearing horrible, scratchy child whispers in her ears telling her to go kill the dog, to rip apart Bella, to make Carlisle eat his own tools and other insane crap. I'm not joking, I swear to God Alice is probably having this problem because she keeps saying she gets a headache and flat out refuses to go anywhere near Bella.

Oh and of course Meyer is also trying to foreshadow the imprinting of Jacob to the hellspawn by way of her usual sledgehammer. I suppose you could say it's a little more subtle this time around, since her usual sledgehammer technique requires her to out and out all but tell you that this is what is going to happen. Here Jacob's just noticing that everything about his devotion is starting to surround just the baby. It's still a sledgehammer if you know what's ahead, but it's not quite as obvious. You could well pretend that it's just because it's Bella that he cares about or something.

Also, Alice seems to force everyone to wear their clothes once or twice, but immediately makes them give them up to Goodwill as she gets new ones for them to wear. And this is not some clothes from Target which are relatively reasonably priced stuff that might suit her tastes. No. This is expensive shit she gets. She gets designer shit from Italy and France for these people to wear. These things aren't Cheap. HOW MUCH MONEY DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE?!

So Bella breaks another rib and she's starting to have hot and cold flashes. She has to have Edward sit next to her to cool her off and then have one of the wolves next to her to warm her up. Her internal temperature regulation is utter crap now. But of course she continues to pet her stomach like it's the One Ring of Power. Of course Edward's having trouble with this because he's suddenly started to have common fucking sense like Jacob. Even Carlisle acts like a damn tool through most of this. He lets Rosalie act like a complete cunt while he's the damn leader/father.

So Alice tells Rosalie to get something for Jacob to eat and Rosalie does her thing by putting a dog bowl down for him. Edward says nothing, of course. No one does. Jacob just sort accepts it and then says "What do you call a Blonde with a brain? A Golden Retriever." Rosalie was properly annoyed. I liked that. At some point after this Bella and Jacob start talking and Bella starts talking about how normal women when they have come to full term get forty centimeters on their belly and she's only at thirty now. Then she says that the thing has been growing two centimeter's a day. Not creepy at all. Nope.

Jacob asks Bella why she does these things with him, why she gets super chipper with him around and she says some bullshit answer about how she wants him there because she doesn't have a family without him there. I just read the entire thing as Bella is still a complete cocktease for him. Meanwhile, it's getting hard for Bella to breathe because the hellspawn keeps breaking her ribs. Meanwhile, she keeps talking to Charlie and saying she's on the mend when she ought to be telling him that she's still sick so he can't come near or expect her to come home. But no, she doesn't do any of that because she actively hates her father and wants him to have his hopes up right before she crushes them. This of course is not how this is passed off as. No, this is passed off as Bella being so caring about her father. And Edward knows that she's probably going to die from all this, so he's trying to let her have her way so that she can be happy right before the end. Again, when did Edward become so practical?

So about here is where we learn that these things have been in mythology forever as dangerous, evil things that kill massive amounts of people when they pop out of the stomach. The hard shell around it? Yeah, it chews through that and bursts out of the stomach. IT'S A BURSTER ALIEN. But, does Rosalie care? Nope. I never really expected her to, but she shows her true self when she starts talking about how in the South American natives the only thing these people had for a doctor was a shaman who would use unsanitary means to deliver babies and there was no way these "special babies" would ever be able to be cared for by the people and of course no way the mother would survive even a normal birth, so they were perfectly fine to take care of Bella until they got the baby. It's then that Jacob finally voices what I've been screaming and wrote down as a trope in this book: BABIES ARE ALL THAT MATTER. Edward was about ready to rip Rosalie's head off, but Jacob just snapped his food bowl at Rosalie's head and got her dirty to which she shrieked and woke Bella who just told him to stop being a jerk. Not that it mattered, of course, because no matter how much you explain to Miss Brainless that Rosalie only cares about her baby and nothing else she won't register it.

About that point Bella suddenly went white and looked like she was in pain to which she said, "Oh, he's only stretching. The poor fella doesn't have a lot of room in there." Not creepy at all. Nope.

So Carlisle then chooses this moment to say he thinks that Jacob and the hellspawn have something in common and that's a 24 chromosome count. So they're both Down Syndrome?

That's it for now. I'm still reading.
Patient's current mood: boredbored
Patient is Singing: Frozen on Musicloops
Ehren Hatten
13 October 2011 @ 08:53 pm
Okay... I've started trying to get through Breaking Fail again. It's been a year since I looked at this thing, but it's not hard to go diving back into it, honestly. The whole thing treats you like you're a fucking moron.

fake cut will take you to madnessCollapse )
Patient's current mood: cynicalcynical